I’ve always felt like I wasn’t an emotional eater. I’ve heard so many things about people being an “emotional eater” and just tuned it out. But only as I’ve become more in tune with my own body and my motives for why I choose what I choose am I able to see that, WHOA BUDDY, I am an “emotional” eater. I think everyone is to an extent, but this is something I never saw within myself. Perhaps I prided myself on the ability to be even-natured and stable and non-crazy girl on an emotional roller-coaster, but instead of allowing emotions to come forward or to deal with the root, I appeased them with food. And that’s probably not a revelation to anyone but myself. I’m sure every good psychiatrist could tell me that, but some things I have to see myself, I suppose.  

Lately I’ve been kind of stressed at work and in my personal life. It’s so interesting to me (when I step away from it) the AUTOMATIC emotional response. I can be making the “best” choices for myself and then something stressful or something I don’t want to deal with will happen, and I immediately am craving the worst food I can think of. And because I’ve allowed myself to think I wasn’t emotionally eating, I don’t shut down those thoughts. I assume my body truly is craving a cheeseburger and milkshake (I doubt it has EVER naturally craved that) and fail to connect the dots. I also see food as good vs. bad when really it’s about moderation and listening to what my body is craving. But when my emotional eating kicks in, I just see the “bad” food, without regard to moderation. Also, it’s something I have “control” over. Everything else in my life (and the world) might be out of my control, but somehow my mind has connected my food choices with how I maintain control.

Now that I’ve finally become aware of these thought processes, I must learn to recognize them. AND when I recognize them, not to ignore it. I think that’ll be the hardest part. My emotional response to turn to food includes not just the craving, but also the mentality of not wanting to try. It convinces myself that it’s too difficult to allow discipline to win in that moment. I just want to say “Screw it all. It doesn’t matter today.” But then I think about one of my favorite CS Lewis quotes: “This moment contains all moments.” If I don’t care about anything else in my life ever again, right now, in this moment, I must care. And if I apply that to every moment ever, I’ll care for always! WIN WIN.

So in summary, less of this:

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I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I’m not really sure why. I think every time I went to post something, I felt like there wasn’t enough there and I needed to wait until I had a better post. I DON’T KNOW. I also think when I began this blog, I may have been a little naive, or perhaps not naive, but under prepared. I knew I wanted to begin it ASAP, but in terms of content, I kind of got lost over the past few months and over thought it too much (which I can be prone to do).

SO, the purpose of this post is to only say I’m going to post more. My new goal is to try and post something every day, whether it’s just a dumb quote or a song that inspires me OR WHATEVER. I think it’s important for me to not put too much pressure on what I post. It’s just me working through this…publicly. Yack.

And in terms of health, I’ve lost about 10 pounds in the past month or so, and that makes me happy! I’ve just been trying to be conscience of every thing I put in my mouth (that’s what… nevermind. JK). I know (for now) I don’t want to share my food with you down to the itty bitty detail, but I do want to post more about my day-to-day stuff, so that’s what’s going to happen. Just go ahead and bookmark my blog and that way you can come look at it every single day because it’ll have more updates! :D

Thanks for all the love and support and blah blah blah blah. Keep on keepin on. U KNO.

BONUS CONTENT: For those of you that have not seen the photo of my dog with the Easter bunny all over social media, you’re missing out. ALSO, I did NOT bring him the mall to have the photos taken… he got them taken at doggie day care… I have posted below, for your viewing pleasure, a picture of my dog looking at the photo of himself and the Easter bunny. It seems to be one of his favorite hobbies now. HILARIOUS.

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My title of this post is taken from the Sam Cooke song, “A Change Is Gonna Come.” I love this song and was reminded of it during Whitney’s funeral. Did anyone watch that (or more like who DIDN’T watch it)? SO SAD/BEAUTIFUL/INSPIRING/LOTS OF ADJECTIVES. Anyways… don’t want to get sidetracked… It’s been a while since I’ve posted (besides my RIDICULOUS Valentine’s day video), but here I am.

For a week, I went to the gym consistently (In case you missed it, this video was about a proper gym up-do). Is it fair to say it was consistent if it was only for a week? I think so. But, I also think I can do better than a week of consistency! I’m aiming for this week to go EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And then next week and then the next week and then the next and then the next and then the “OMG, BETHANY YOU LOOK AMA-ZING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!”

I would like to go ahead and make a disclaimer about the rest of this post: I’m going to get super personal. If you think anything personal is an over-share (which I’m SURE it is, but that’s the point of this blog blah blah blah, etc etc etc) then please click the ‘X’ now. K. Thanks. BYE!!

You all stayed? That’s so sweet… here we go…

My grandmother (my father’s mother) passed away about a month ago. Although she was older (84) and had been dealing with illness, it didn’t make her passing any easier. At her funeral, I couldn’t help but be moved by all the friends and family that obviously cared for my grandmother so much. My grandmother was always very attentive to the lives of her 9 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren, but I didn’t realize until her funeral how excellent she was at maintaining her other friendships. She still kept in close-contact with her best friend from high school! That takes effort and discipline. As I watched people come to pay their respects, I thought about my own life and death. I want to die old, surrounded by people who love me. But I think I’m only now beginning to understand if I don’t change some things about my life, I may never get that opportunity. It is a sobering thought, but one I easily forget about. What is my endgame? What do I want to accomplish in this life? What are my priorities (or what do I wish they were)? And once I can answer those questions, what am I doing to meet the answers?

For those of you who may not know, my father passed away when I was 15. His death was extremely difficult for my family and dare I say, for anyone who ever met him. He actually got cancer when I was 12, and it was a long 3 years. I have wonderful childhood memories - I know how loved I was, but as I began to mature, I lost a crucial figure in my life. I have no memories with my father as an adult. Sometimes I envy my older siblings for their experiences and memories with my father. Transitioning into adulthood without him was difficult because it almost felt like I couldn’t bring him along. As I’m getting older, my memories with my father are getting further away. There are things I will always remember, but other things are being etched away with the passing of time.

My grandmother was a strong link to the memory of my father. With her passing, it feels like my dad slipped further away. I don’t want to speak in cliches, but I want him to be proud of me. The night I began this blog, I thought about how proud my dad would have been for me. I know I’m not finished yet, but for me, beginning this, took courage I could have only inherited from my parents. Although some memories are beginning to fade away, new memories are taking their place - new memories with charactersitcs and gifts I always knew my father had but am only beginning to see them in myself.

Thanks for reading and check again tomorrow for another post! (WHAT?! I know. Super productive.)

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